As many of you are aware, I commute, like the majority of the of the population. It’s never a fun experience, simply a means to an end, however what I have noticed over the years is that there are very different types of commuters, some more irritating that others, some just plain weird and most that just don’t give a fuck! So I thought I would put together a little guide of the usual suspects for anyone who is about to start embarking on the commuting journey….
The cougher – I would say this person is usually found in winter, but in actual fact they are found all year round. That person that comes and sits next to you on the train with a little tickle in their throat, and so therefore, decides to sit there and cough every two mins for the WHOLE JOURNEY. All you want to do is hand them so water and shout SHUT UP! But obviously, us polite English folk just sit there in silence, while secretly raging on the inside.
The person on their phone – That person who sits on the train, telling their deepest, darkest secrets to their friend on the phone, like they aren’t surrounded by a coach full of strangers all half listening in. Clearly, that morning chat is just more important than what a train load of people will think of you!
The snorer – Usually spotted in the morning, although you do get an occasional one on the commute home. These are the people that like to have a little nap on their commute. Which, personally, I think is totally fine. Until they start snoring so loudly that people in the next carriage can hear them. Not fine. If you snore, don’t nap in public places, it only makes other people want to throw things at you.
The dick on the scooter – A relatively new phenomenon. This started off with fold-able bikes, a not half bad invention for people that still have a bit of a commute either pre or post train journey. Fine. I can deal with those. Then, someone decided that the micro scooters, which are designed for CHILDREN, would get them to work all of half a second faster than walking, so therefore decided to steal their child’s one and take it to work with them, or at least that’s what it looks like. THEY ARE NOT OK, and they don’t get you there considerably faster than just walking, so STOP IT! Give them back to your children who they belong to.
People that wear trainers with a suit – Having worked at a shoe retailer for quite some years, this one bothers me far more than it should. Ladies are much worse offenders than men. I totally understand that if you work in an office/environment where you have to be in stilettos all day long that you don’t want to commute in them. Fine. However, there are plenty of lovely flat comfortable shoes that you could wear instead of your grubby old running trainers that just look hideous with whatever beautiful suit/dress you have chosen for the day. Men you also have no excuse, though it looks marginally less offensive when you do it.
The asshole with the music too loud – I’m not quite sure how this type of commuter is even still around but they sure as hell are. We all know them, that person who seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that the whole carriage can hear whatever, usually dreadful, tune they are blasting out, either that or they just don’t give a shit!
The drunkard – Usually rather entertaining if you haven’t had an awful day and they aren’t shouting abuse at people, the drunkard is usually just someone to giggle at on your later than usual journey home. (Let’s be honest, this has been me on a number of occasions)
The seat hogger – This person can come in two forms, one more common that the other, being the person that thinks their handbag/rucksack/shopping bags are more deserving of a seat than yourself and so will just stair blankly ahead as you hover awkwardly waiting for them to move them before sitting down. More recently I have found a new form of seat hogger, this person usually has a commuting buddy and will make it to the train/tube before their buddy therefore trying to save them a seat and telling you that you will have to sit elsewhere. It’s at this point I try desperately not to turn into a 5year old and scream “I DON’T SEE YOUR NAME ON IT”
Please let me know any I’ve missed….I know there’s more!